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 Joke of the week

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Black Widow - Admin
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PostSubject: Joke of the week   Sun Mar 30, 2008 4:16 pm

George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND SEND IT ON.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away


sunny

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PostSubject: : )   Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:01 pm

Skype Device Passes Odors Over the Internet
Internet telephony giant Skype has devised a way to pass odors over the Internet. With the new Skype Fragrance API, vendors such as perfume-makers will be able to pass their scents from one user to the next. Ebay is delighted with this latest development, too as many users will be able to "try before you buy" when it comes to all sorts of products where fragrance is important. Of course, this also leaves open a huge area for misuse as well, such as teenage boys passing around their farts to their friends.
For more about the new product go here: Skype Fragrance API




APRIL FOOL's !!! lol! foxes

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PostSubject: Foamy   Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:33 pm

Foamy rocks/ check out the tech support episode's for a laugh !!! lol! thumbsup

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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Mon Apr 14, 2008 5:34 pm

lol!


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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Mon Apr 21, 2008 2:56 pm

IN MY NEXT LIFE...

MY NEXT LIFE, I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.


You work 40 years until you're too young to work.


You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have
No responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months
floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions -

Central heating,
Room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.


I rest my case.

lol! circledance

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WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE. : )
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Mon Apr 28, 2008 4:48 pm

lol! That was one of the best age based thing I ever read
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Mon Apr 28, 2008 4:50 pm

THANKS/MERCI I hope it made you smile and thanks for posting !!!! keep it up. cheers

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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Mon Apr 28, 2008 4:59 pm

STRESS
I am not sure exactly how this works, but this is amazingly accurate.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at the Mayo Clinic and later at Fletcher Medical Center in Burlington

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress will find many differences between the two dolphins ..

The more differences a person finds, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may need to take a vacation.








No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation


Never take life seriously.





Nobody gets out of it alive anyway!!! lol!

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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Fri May 02, 2008 10:35 am

I think I got to take a long extended vacation and then some more. Relax the old stressed body and then maybe get around to trying to get alive out of life BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Tue May 06, 2008 4:09 am

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it 'In'.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Sexual Favors' .

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,

with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling
'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

I especially like # 6, 10, 11 & 17
lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Tue May 06, 2008 9:18 am

100 year Old twins

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE" - So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer.
YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, - "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Tue May 06, 2008 11:20 am

This one guy started working on a farm, the farmer had two stunning daughters, but they didn't want anything to do with the guy. One day while working on the hedge, the farmer told the guy to go to the house and start to fix the two steps of the porch that came loose with screws. As the guy walked into the house a bright plan hit him, he walked up to the two daughters where they sat in the dining room and told them that their father told him to come screw both of them, obviously they didn't believe him, so he told them to come listen for themselves, he went and stood in the doorway and shouted: "Must I screw both of them", came the reply, "Yes screw them both as good as you can!" circledance
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Tue May 06, 2008 3:05 pm

ROFLMAO devilaugh HEY U & IRONMAN RELATED OR JUST SAME THING ON YOUR MINDS? lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Thu May 08, 2008 7:07 pm

Well seeing that we don't differ that far in age we could have the same thing on our minds
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Fri May 09, 2008 2:59 am

Well I believe that's a Man thing !!! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Mon May 12, 2008 6:58 pm

It's not a man thing. Well most of the time it is, but not allways.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Tue May 13, 2008 4:07 pm

A peanut walks into the bar and ask the barman, do you serve nuts? The barman says yes. The peanut replies: "In that case I'd like a beer and a ham sandwich"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Tue May 13, 2008 4:18 pm

I can't respond to any emails today,
Something has crashed on my computer and the mouse is missing. . .


















lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the week   Fri May 16, 2008 12:57 pm

A county cricket team isn't faring too well in the competition and the directors set out an add "Batsman needed" after two weeks there wasn't any applicants and then one day a horse walked into the office and state that it wanted to apply. The directors was shocked and said that they can't allow it, the horse stated that they did not say that horses can't apply, so they sent him to the coach and said that if he can play, they will give him a contract.

At the nets the coach gave the horse a kit and bat and set him up against their top bowlers, the horse played strokes that made Jaques Kallis look like a fly swatter, immediately the coach phoned the directors and they set up a contract.

The first match came up and the horse walked in to open the batting, facing the first over her promtly dispatched every ball for a six. The next over the other opener got bat to ball and started running, but to his dismay the horse didn't move an inch, he tried to get back but got ran out, on his way to the pavilion he glowered at the horse
"Why the f*^k didn't you run?" he asked
The horse looked him square in the eye and replied: "If I could f*^king run I wouldn't be playing cricket would I?"
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