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BlackWidowAdmin
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:36 pm

Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

At the neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes. Did his doctor say he can see good?"

The Mother said, "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision."

Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a damn good thing, cause he sure as hell can't wear glasses!"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:39 pm

Little Johnny returned from school and told his father that he'd gotten an "F" in arithmetic.

"Why?" asked the father.

"The teacher asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said '6,'" replied Johnny.

"But that's right!" exclaimed his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'" explained Johnny.

"What the %@*!$'s the difference?" asked his father.

"That's what I said!!" replied Johnny.


Moral of this 1 is " Be careful around your kids as they are always listening" !!! Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Sun Jan 25, 2009 4:46 am

Thanks to MM from GQ for this 1.


MistressMage 2009-01-24 15:47 Report


Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone.You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someoneand you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wanthat our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is beingsent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no onewas injured and no onewas sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh ......God!!! !

cheers queen lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Mon Jan 26, 2009 6:45 pm

Thabo goes to New Zealand, but Thabo not have the right papers, so customs not want Thabo to enter, but seeing that Thabo is an honest man they take Thabo to Imigration Office and Thabo need to fill in forms. Thabo can now stay in New Zealand. Next they want to know what job Thabo can do, but Thabo come from poor village, got no skills, they tell Thabo: "Make a sentence with the words Green, Yellow and Pink", Thabo thinks for a minute then says: "The phone rings Green Green, Green Green, I pick up and say Yellow Yellow, I put the phone down and it says Pink"...Thabo is now working for Telecom New Zealand, maybe you have spoken to him.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Fri Feb 27, 2009 5:33 am

Union Rules & Hookers----


A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegasand decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.






"I'd like her," he said.


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next" !



Advantages to Unions and then there's the DISADVANTAGES also !!!!!








affraid scratch lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:47 pm

When you grow old you seem to produce more gas, hence the term "old fart"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:48 pm

Age: It's not something you get, you just wake up one morning and you have it
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:49 pm

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing

But my personal favourite is:

You don't stop playing because you grow old, you grow old bacause you stop playing
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:54 pm

OK these I don't share easily, but there is some of you who may find it as hillarious as I did:

Q: How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a hell of a lot of light bulbs.

Q: How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What, me move?

Q: How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 2

Q: How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install, and two engineers to check the work.

Q: How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They LIKE the dark.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light's fine as it is.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?

Q: How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed Mar 18, 2009 5:57 pm

Q: How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you want it changed into?
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Wed May 20, 2009 2:54 pm

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW !!!! lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Tue Jun 02, 2009 3:29 pm

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:








FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.








PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.








TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated








HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.








SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.








WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.








TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.








EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.








HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.








THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying






cheers
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Sat Jun 27, 2009 3:35 pm

DONALD AND DAISY........




Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked, ‘I'll thuffocate’
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:59 am

IT'S JUST THE WHITE MALES...YOU WILL FIND THE WOMEN HAVE BEEN DISCRIMINATED AGAINST TOO ..AS A RESULT THE ONLY BAD PEOPLE ARE THE WHITE MALE'S......AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH HA HA WHAT A JOKE..THIS IS ALL TRUE AND NOBODY SAYS A THING..



"WHITE" Pride"

.



I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is.....

Proud to be White

Michael Richards makes his point...............
Michael Richards better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld does make a good point.

This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...

Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this? There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc.

And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .. You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.

You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day.

You have You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.

You have the NAACP.. You have BET... If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month, we'd be racists..

If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that??

A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships.. You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US . Yet if there were 'White colleges', that would be a racist college..

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud... But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists??

There is nothing improper about this e-mail.. Let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on. I sadly don't think many will. That's why we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS in this country. We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!

It's not a crime YET.... but getting very close!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Mon Jul 13, 2009 3:10 pm

Subject: Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago--Vieja?
We went behind the village Cantina (tavern)where you got "hot" and leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes' Viejo, she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a walk around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Juan, you old "diablo", that sounds
like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.
So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,
'Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'No Senior---Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Tue Jul 21, 2009 7:26 pm

GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight', the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those'.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Sat Aug 08, 2009 7:25 am

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Mon Aug 10, 2009 7:15 pm

Sipping Vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp..

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

Cool David slew Goliath; he did not kick the #### out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body..' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Fri Aug 14, 2009 3:03 pm

INTERESTING OBSERVATION




1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.


2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING


3. The sport of choice for front- line workers is FOOTBALL.


4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.


5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS


and....


6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:


The higher you go in the corporate structure,


the smaller your balls become!!!!



lol!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Tue Aug 25, 2009 6:08 pm

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT THE GOVERNMENT HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(Cool The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY
CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

_________________
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Fri Aug 28, 2009 10:46 pm

THIS IS INCREDIBLE... Read all the Numbers....
Slowly and in Order!!
Be Careful not to MISS ANY
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30



















































TOMORROW I WILL SEND YOU
THE ABC's
It so easy to amuse old people.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Tue Sep 01, 2009 1:26 am

From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher


My five-year old students are learning to read.

Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"


And so it does...



" A f r i c a n Elephant "


Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

Now that's funny, I don't care who you are.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Mon Sep 07, 2009 4:30 am

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp..

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

Cool David slew Goliath; he did not kick the #### out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body..' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:23 pm

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.
When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away,
he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!
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PostSubject: Re: Joke of the Week   Thu Oct 22, 2009 10:12 pm

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn't die!













Why ???













OH, come on.... take a guess !!!













Think about it !!!













You're going to love this !!!













Everyone knows...




You can't kill Two Birds




with OneStone!!!






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