Joke of the Week

Laughter is the spice of Life !





Subject: Taking a woman to bed -- cute



What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?



At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.




At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.






At 28 -- You d on't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.





At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.





At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.





At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.





At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!





At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

A man walks up to a bar with an ostrich behind him.
As he sits down, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him.
The barman comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer", he turns to the ostrich and says, "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says
the ostrich. The cat says, "I'll have a small beer, but I'm not paying for it!"

The barman pours the beers and says, "That will be $5.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and places the exact amount of money on the bar.

The next day the man, the ostrich and cat come in again.
The man says, "I'll have a beer," the ostrich says, "I'll have the same," the cat again says," I'll have a small one, but I'm not paying for it."
Once again the man pulls out the exact money.

This goes on for days, with the three going through the same routine, until one evening, they come in a little later than they normally do.

"The usual?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man," We are getting near closing time, so I think I'll have a large scotch." "So will I," says the ostrich. "I'll have a small scotch," says the cat, "but I'm not paying for it."

The barman serves the scotches and says, "That will be $9.60 this time please." The man, as always pulls out the exact amount and places it on the bar.

The barman says, "Please excuse my curiosity, but how is it that you always manage to find the exact money when ever you come in."

"Well you see," says the man, "Several years ago I found an old lamp

in the loft, when I cleaned it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was, that whenever I have to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the correct amount will be there."

"That's brilliant," says the barman, "Most people would ask for a million pounds, spend it in a few years and then they would be broke.
Your way means that however long you live, you will be able to buy anything at any time."

"That's right," says the man, "What ever I want, a Rolls Royce to a pint of milk, I always have the right money."

"So what's with the ostrich and the cat?" asks the barman.

The man replies, "My second wish was for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"

Live Simply, Love Generously, Care Deeply,
Speak Kindly and Leave the Rest to God.

lol i like these jokes alot

Dear Tide... I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring EX husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all o f the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my EX husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. (I am DYING HERE!!!! WHY~WHY~WHY Didn't I use Tide???

Dear Dr Ruth

For a few months now I've been suspecting that my wife is having an affair. She does little things that is quite troublesome. Let me explain:

Three months ago she started to dress up and took extra care with herself.
Sometimes I come home early and find her allready in bed, reading a book and she's allways naked.
She started reading in bed....
She never call me endearing names as usual.
She don't like the flowers I give her anymore.
Her "girls's night out" became more frequent, up to twice a week.
When she goes on her night's out she walks to the end of our block and get into a car.
Everytime she returns from her nights out, she walks a block to our home, but I can hear a car driving away.
Her friends complain that they don't see her anymore.

One evening I was outside tending the topiary hedge when I saw that its time for her to arrive, so I hunched down next to my Kawasaki ZX 10R. It was then when I saw a few drops of oil under the bike.

I want to know if I should try and find the leak myself or should I take it to the workshop?

OH SO TYPICAL, I REST MY CASE !!!

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him

and never say its not quite as good as his mothers




...then buy a dog.



If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,

for as long and wherever you want ...




...then buy a dog.



If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care

about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies




...then buy a dog.



If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to

warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores




...then buy a dog !


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care

if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if

every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves

you unconditionally, perpetually .




...then buy a dog.




BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come

when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair

all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only

comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence

is solely to ensure his happiness .,






.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.









...then buy a cat!


Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?

Afterall it is Monday mornin !

Why a dog is a man's best friend:

It doesn't want you to tell it everyday you love it

It doesn't ask you if you notice something new and then freak out if you don't noticed they plucked a few hairs out of their eyebrows

It never asks you :"Does this fur make make my butt look fat?"

It never critizises your cooking methods and allways like your food esp if it's meat

It never care how long you stay out or why, it's allways happy to see you and will greet you with a kiss

Will allways listen to you and don't expect you to listen to it

Will drink beer, eat chips and pizza with you without complaining about calories and unsaturated fats

Will protect you no matter how wrong you are

and best of all will go on doing it's own business if you want to wash the car, watch tv or want to gym

http://www.friendsoffoamy.com/index.php?id=358



http://www.friendsoffoamy.com/index.php?id=122






FOAMY ROCKS

Why do men love blonde jokes??

It's all jokes they understand

Nice to see you back in here Wolverine.




Will I Live to see 80?


Here's something to think about.


I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.


A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'


'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'


Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?


'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!'


'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'


'No, I don't,' I said.


He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'


'No,' I said.


He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

LETTER TO THE BANK






Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote i n dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA JUST GOTTA LOVE ' US SENIORS' !!!!!
And remember: Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to set them off !!!

VERY INTERESTING STUFF



In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'



-------------------------------------------


Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only.. Ladies Forbidden'..
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.


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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly
than the U.S . Treasury.


-------------------------------------------


Men can read smaller print than women can;
women can hear better.


------------------------------------------



Coca-Cola was originally green.



-------------------------------------------




It is impossible to lick your elbow.




-------------------------------------------




The State with the highest percentage of people
who walk to work:


Alaska


-------------------------------------------




The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)




-------------------------------------------




The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%


------------------------------------------------------------------------


The cost of raising a medium size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400


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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:


61,000


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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.




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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.




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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.




--------- ---------------------------------------------------------------


Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:




Spades - King David


Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander, the Great


Diamonds - Julius Caesar



------------------------------------------------------------------------


111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321


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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.




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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on Augus 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.




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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?




A. Their birthplace


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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?




A. Obsession


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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

;


A. One thousand


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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?




A. All were invented by women.




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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?




A. Honey


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0A


Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?




A. Father's Day


------------------------------------------------------------






In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.


When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... 'goodnight, sleep tight.'




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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.




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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'




It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'




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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.




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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!




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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.




I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabri gde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?




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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...




1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.




2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.




3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.




4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.




5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.




6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.




7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.




10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )




12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.




13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.




14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~


NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Good Luck send me your score back !!!

MEMORY TEST!

This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. It will help if you are over 60! This one will be difficult for the younger set. Have fun, but no peeking! When you forward this to your friends/family, put your score in the subject line & let them know your score. Don't forget to forward it to me, as well. Good luck youngsters.

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?
A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...
A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay

3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...
A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really me an
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.
A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...
A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...
A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G Krebbs
E. Corky B. Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar.
A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and...
A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?
A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scoopy Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...
A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run

11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...
A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...
A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Stauback
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream.
A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...
A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...
A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Fields
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...
A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who..
A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...
A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today...
A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV

20. What do M & M's do?
A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors











Below are the right answers:
1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
Don't forget to put your score in the subject line!!!

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas
And is so funny. What a great sense of humor
And creativity!!!
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....
When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin'
COLORED folks?

Love

According to all the jokes and e-mails I read most children said this:

Love is when a man answers the question: How do I look? With: You look awesome dear, even when it's a lie and the lady looks like a donkey.

So my question is: If you want to have a sucessfull love life do you need to be a great liar? I guess the most divorces aren't caused by lieing and cheating, it's caused by getting caught telling the truth

Doctor! Doctor! Every time I drink coffee I get this nasty pain in my eye!

Well ma'am have you tried taking out the spoon first?

How do you know that your girlfriend/wife/mistress/etc really loves you?

Lock her in the trunk of your car with your dog, if she's happier than the dog to see you when you open the trunk you got yourself a keeper

I need some really funny jokes, so anyone who has any please post em here for me asap. Clean one's only please.

It's not like I only post dirty ones you know. I was them every now and then

Oh Wolverine, not aimed @ U!!! It was just a general request so hit me with your best one's.

Polite Way To Pee...
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'
'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'
'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.''
The teacher fainted.








Bad little Johhny !!!