Joke of the Week

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop...

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop...

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN





The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

2009's First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.' Gotta love those Newfie's.

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

12 Days of Christmas

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,
Agnes

========================================================
December 15, 1972

Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine
two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 16, 1972

Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 17, 1972

Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

==========================================================
December 18, 1972

Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

========================================================
December 19, 1972

Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Agnes

========================================================
December 20, 1972

John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

=========================================================
December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure
all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

Hope Everyone had a very merry Christmas.

laptop is greattttttttttttttttttttt.

This is why my Wife refuses to go start my truck in the morning !


This gives new meaning to the phrase "Honey would you go outside and warm up the truck for me." These were taken this past weekend (1/03/2010) outside of Corning NY. Corning is just a little west of Binghamton out I86.











She is Such a fraidycat.... ooops there were COUGARS surrounding her car.














--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Brokeback Bar'

A Newfie walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Newfie, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The Newfie says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The Newfie looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the Newfie asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty Newfie asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the Newfie turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Newfie has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Newfie a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

The Newfie says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."



"HAVE A GREAT DAY"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'







-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well lack of talking has made me lose interest in MG. If anyone reads this i will come back to play. Please post something?

WHY I AM DEPRESSED*
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. . . I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander,

"Why do Scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"

To which the Newfoundlander replies,

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat"



Finally, an answer I can understand!

MEN
ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
true???


NICKNAMES







· If Laura, Kate and
Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John
go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat-Boy, Gas-man and Four-eyes.












EATING
OUT







· When the bill arrives,
Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change
back.
· When the girls get
their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.












MONEY







· A man will pay $2 for
a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't need but
it's on sale.












BATHROOMS







· A man has six items in
his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and
a towel.
· The average number of
items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more
than 15 of these items.












ARGUMENTS







· A woman has the last
word in any argument.
· Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new
argument.












FUTURE







· A woman worries about
the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife..












MARRIAGE







· A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
· A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change, but she
does.












DRESSING
UP







· A woman will dress up
to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.
· A man will dress up
for weddings and funerals.












NATURAL







· Men wake up as
good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.












OFFSPRING







· Ah, children. A
woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances,
best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and
hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware
of some short people living in the house.












THOUGHT
FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget
his mistakes.. There's no use in two
people remembering the same
thing!

SO, send this to the
women who have a sense of humor and who can
handle it ... and to the men who will
enjoy reading
it.